PITTSBURGH (The Borowitz Report)—Eating classified documents was “an essential part of President Donald Trump’s super-healthy diet,” Dr. Mehmet Oz has claimed.
Oz, the longtime television host and, more recently, Republican candidate for the US Senate from Pennsylvania, said that “classified documents, including nuclear codes, provided the necessary fiber to keep the system President Trump’s digestive system functioning at the highest level possible.
Speaking at a campaign stop in Pittsburgh, Oz said Trump’s diet consisted of “all four food groups: the hamburger group, the ketchup group, the Coca-Cola group and the classified documents group.”
“Looking at President Trump, one might wonder what miracle diet made him such a fine physical specimen,” Oz said. “It turns out that national security documents are not only loaded with secrets, they’re packed with fiber.”